What if, in another universe, I deserve you?
Hear me out. There’s this philosopher from the 1890s named William James, and he coined this theory about “the multiverse” which suggests that a hypothetical set of multiple universes comprises everything that can possibly exist simultaneously.
Are you following? The entirety of space, time, matter and energy is all happening at once in different timelines: It’s the idea of parallel universes. Right? So okay, let’s presume the multiverse is real.
Well then, maybe somewhere in those infinite universes is one, or several, where I deserve you.
Maybe there’s a universe out there — happening now — where we end up together and when I close my eyes at night, I’m not dreaming the way a normal person would. Instead I’m seeing flashes of our lives in the multiverse. They’re not simple dreams because I miss you, right? They’re scientific, anachronistic visions.
In this universe, I don’t want a family, but maybe in another, I’m more of the type to settle down. Maybe there’s a universe where you hold my hand while I give birth to our daughter in a white hospital room with pink flowers and fuzzy teddy bears on the window sill. Where we take family vacations and pose for dorky pictures in our neon bathing suits on the sands of a Florida beach. Where we curl up to watch a cheesy movie at the end of a long day in our big, green, suburban house once the kids have fallen asleep.
Maybe there’s a universe where we are middle-aged and taking our child to college and bickering over where to put her dresser or what posters she should hang up. Where you kiss her on the forehead ‘goodbye’ and we drive home in contented, proud silence, your fingers grazing my knuckles, our wedding rings glistening. Where we both have gray hair and we laugh and smile and hug and drink lemonade on the porch.
Maybe there’s a universe where that’s the life I want. Where I don’t second guess everything and I’m not afraid of commitment and of the future and of love. Maybe there’s a universe without all the noise in my head and the pride that makes me so fiercely independent and the coldness in my heart that I can turn on and off like a security fence.
Maybe there’s a universe where I’m the right person for you. Where I adore every nice thing you did for me without starting to resent you. A universe where you actually end up with someone who appreciates you. Where no one becomes a doormat. Where both of us can shed our baggage and curiosity and issues. A universe where we’re happy — without wondering if that happiness is some messed-up Jenga game ready to topple at the slightest quiver. A universe where we’re comfortable and sure, and we have cats.
Maybe there’s a universe where we fall asleep next to each other every night like spoons, like two innocent bunnies — my face buried in your neck, hugging your warmth — and we both don’t want anything or anybody else. Where we don’t want more, we just want each other.
Maybe there’s a universe where I don’t covet so much all the time and where I’m content and where I don’t wonder about picking up and moving to Japan without saying anything to anyone and where at this very juncture, I can just know I’ll always want to come home and cook dinner with you.
If you think of it all this way, then it’s like neither of us did anything wrong.
You just found me in the wrong universe. That’s all. This is, as they say, the darkest timeline. Everywhere else, nay, “everywhen” else — us in the Civil War, us in Ancient Egypt, us in the swinging ’60s — we are happy.
If this theory holds, well, by the law of averages, there had to be one universe — just this one — where we don’t end up together. Here and now just happens to be it. If you think of it this way, nothing is our fault.
So see, that explains everything. We’re not together anymore because of the multiverse.
Well, isn’t that comforting?
If you’re sad, do like I do and just think of the other ‘verses. The ones where I believe in love and where I don’t hate myself and where I never feel the need to kamikaze relationships. A universe where we can have nice things. It’s helpful, right?
Because you could have loved me forever. And maybe in another universe, I let you.
I want to remember the feel of your body pressed against mine; I want you to know how I long for the days to hasten so I could see you again; I want you to remember me and know for certain that you want to be with me, to stay with me, to come back to me.
Pakiramdam ko may mga nawawalang bahagi sa katawan ko, yung mga parteng hindi ko maalala kung saan ko naiwan. Minsan binabagabag ako ng pakiramdam na hindi ko makita ang sarili kong buo, parating kulang at nangangailangan.
Minsan, nangangamba ako, na kapag sumugal ako at simulan kitang mahalin, mas malaking bahagi ng sarili ko ang mawawala.
She burned the bridge down,
How ashes bloomed in the air
And fluttered across the sky.
It was fire that consumed the wood
Into such blackness,
Into malice and distrust.
She forgot why she built what she’s destroying
And why she’s destroying what she built
For so long
Without the decency of goodbye
My friend, the escape artist;
My friend, what used to be—
Who she was, she denied.
Greedily the flames churn and swallow,
Indifferently she watched
Love dissipate in the heated air
The fond memories covered with soot.
Between us is a great emptiness
Which only things that were once there, could create.
Now, at the distance, she mouths words I cannot hear,
drowned out by the crashing sound
Of a bridge falling.
I know where it begins, that scar on your chest
I want to trace it with my fingers
I want to cut it open again
And sink my hand into it, deep and bloody
Culling out your insides
Just so I’d know
How much she has taken from you
How much of your heart is left for me.
It would be better, if I find nothing
Instead of a person
Occupying your flesh,
her touch, her kisses—
inside of you— her smell,
The way your arms wrap around her waist
—the memory of a warm body.
You’re full of her aren’t you?
Drunk with the thought of her, the beloved.
At the space in between heartbeats
Where will I be?
I will never admit that I long for you,
My pride will only allow me to demand the truth
And when I hear how much you love her,
It will fall on deaf ears,
For I do not know how to love yet,
But when I’ve come to know love,
I’ll know how much she means to you.
Then tell me again about this woman
The one you’ve loved for so long
For almost forever, immortalized in your soul,
How she has occupied your mind,
And possessed your heart.
Tell me again,
So I could leave,
So I could live.